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CAPTAINS BLOG VII
The King is dead! Long live the King! (Or Queen or Chief Executive of indeterminate gender)
It has unfortunately become common knowledge recently through all sections of the club that our gallant leader of nine years, our figurehead, our font of knowledge, the Chairman, Adrian ‘Sid’ Siddorn is to step down at the end of the season. As with other great organisations - Marks & Spencers, British Petroleum, even, last summer, Her Majesty’s Government - the management committee has sought to keep this news secret to try to prevent the inevitable leaching of authority this situation encourages. Already Courtney Kerkin and Mike Reed of the Under 10’s have abandoned the far boggy corner of the field they train on and, in a thumb to the nose gesture towards the outgoing administration, have taken over the training pitch. There are whispered rumours that Andy Lathrope has employed a body double to appear in various locations to fool the committee about where exactly he will make his move for absolute power and it is thought that Steve Miller’s absence from the club recently can be put down to the fact that he is ensconced in a bunker he’s building in Little Stoke, paranoid of an assassination attempt by his trusted generals, Dan Waters and Johann Schoemann (a ringer for Irwin Von Rommel) before he can take the reins of authority. However, more worryingly, how did they all find out?
The leak cannot have come from within. The committee comprises of many taciturn closed lipped individuals not prone to gossip, people such as Kipper, Annie Oakley and Helen Nicholson. As you can see, impossible. . . . . No, the suspicion is more sinister. If they have no qualms about bugging a Right Honourable Member of The House what would stop MI5 snooping on Gay Brewer? We should be told.
Whoever takes over the helm they need protection. The course is a rocky one, the new Chairman (or Chairperson) will need a rock, a trusted lieutenant; if you will, a Consigliore (i.e. Tom Hagan in the Godfather – you get the picture) a shadowy background figure. There to step in and take the shafting to protect The Leader. Sid had an ideal one in Alan Rawlings. Calm, unflappable, loyal, never known to lose his temper, Alan, or Neddy – his gangland nickname – was always by Sid’s side. Even on the unpleasant duties, those dull Internationals, those tedious, free Dinners, who will fill his massive shoes? Let’s ask our resident bookmaker ‘Honest Pete’ Polledri who are the runners and riders for ‘The Chairman’s Stakes’:
Honest Pete’s verdict:-
Dr John Redmond, 2 : 1 on fav.
Pros - He has all the right breeding, Irish, Catholic, educated, John served his time as Minis Chairman and as Bristol’s club Doctor – he’s ‘connected’.
Cons – Not being the most diplomatic person, coupled with the uncanny, Irishman’s ability to hold a grudge (William 3rd, corn laws, bloody Sunday etc.) he could cause trouble within the club and beyond. John still doesn’t speak to Cleve RFC’s ex- minis Chair, Bob Bedford after 10 years – no one but John remembers why!
Steve Miller, 3 : 1
Pros – Steve is also an ex-minis Chairman and has valuable commercial experience having run his own business. A ‘doer’ not just a talker.
Cons – Steve has only been a member of the club a relatively short time. He’s not played for the club and is not ‘of Rome’ although I’m told that this is not an issue these days (Hmmm!). His legendary fondness for apples puts him on a par with our current Chair whose vice, I’m told, is a penchant for grape and grain. Also anyone who’s seen his performances as a rugby referee could be led to question his judgement and parentage!
Pete Phelps, 7 : 2
Pros – Peter is a Vice President of St Mary’s. He’s a club sponsor, ex player and current 1st XV touch judge (unqualified [ obviously!]). He runs his own groundwork and construction firm and until last season served on the management committee.
Cons – Undoubtedly the oldest and uglier of the Bridgeman Quads he stands at the end of the bar every Saturday night drinking with his brothers John, Sonny and Bob and abusing the bar staff. He is well known to the South-western approaches coastguard who view him as a hazard to shipping every time he takes his boat out. He was the favourite to succeed Sid but after proposing more cuts than Jack the Ripper he left the committee when its members refused to back him. His image of a Captain of industry was blown apart recently when a visitor to his office found his son, Christian, running the company while Phelper slept under a tartan rug in his bath chair in the corner by the fire.
Keith ‘Kipper’ Holbrook 10 : 1
Pros – Kipper runs his own Fish and Chip catering business is also a Vice President, ex-player and club sponsor. He is Assistant Ladies Team Coach, a member of the management committee and the most qualified coach currently at St Mary’s. If you cut him does he not bleed green and black (whilst smelling slightly of the sea)?
Cons – He would be the ideal Chairman but for one thing – He talks Kipperish and nobody else on the planet can understand him!
Finally the long odds, worth a Lady (Godiva – fiver stupid!) as a hopeful punt;
Gay Brewer 25 : 1
The club secretary, member for a number of years, her son James played all through the mini and junior sections. She blotted her copy book recently when it was discovered that despite her role she hadn’t kept a record of the names and addresses of any of the members. Also rumours continue of her passion for dressing as an Obersturbanfurer in the Waffen SS.
Simon ‘Annie’ Oakley 25 : 1
Simon is a former !st XV player (unfortunately he used to play football too) and the current Minis Chairman. His odds would be much less if it wasn’t for the fact that if he was voted in as Chairman we’d have to go through the process every other week when he’d resigned again because someone upset him!
Helen Nicholson 33 : 1
She’s keen. She’s played for SMOBL almost since they formed, she coaches the under 17’s girls team and is a member of the management committee. She’s the club child welfare officer which is not good because she keeps sending her underage daughter to the bar to fetch her drinks! Early appearances in the bar dressed in shorts and a sports bra have not improved her chances to land this dignified position.
Paul Dagger 50 : 1
Ex Club captain, Millionaire shareholder in the recently floated Hargreaves Lansdown. . . . . . . . . . . . . . Would you be arsed with it?
Andrew Lathrope 50 : 1
Like Paul, Andrew is a former club captain ‘Laths’ was also an ex- Bristol bench polisher and is currently amassing the largest army of children St Mary’s has ever seen. On a Richter type scale of diplomacy (each level being ten times more powerful than the previous one) Laths is an Eight to John Redmond’s Six. It’s safe to say he would upset everyone! There is a rumour he’s been cloned and the copy is even more abrasive!
Andrew ‘Billy’ Weare 66 : 1
Clubhouse manager, unpaid ‘get off my land’ grounds man, Current club captain, 1st XV player – again! Under 14 scrummaging coach, players rep on the committee, member for 22 years. Likes – nobody, dislikes – people in general.Not Irish, not Catholic, not a member of the Kingswood triangle, not a chance!
Alan Jones 500 : 1
Ex- player, current committee member, Alan saw service in the Boer War where he was mentioned in dispatches.
And Finally. . . . .
There are no stories of France this time because of the importance of the Chairman’s debate, the fact that it was nearly six months ago and because Charlie O’Dogherty of the under 10’s is bored by it! There are still tales such as “Nobody expects the Bus Inspectors” and “Why British Transport Is Crap!” Instead, I’d like to thank everybody who helped me raise over £550 for the great head shave in aid of Clic sargeant. All you minis Yummy Mummies who were concerned I’d catch cold needn’t have been alarmed (oh, you weren’t!) I didn’t..
Don’t panic, the blog will be back to normal next time. There’ll be foreign language swearing, gossip and abuse as normal.
